When Darkness Reigns: Thoughts On Depression

The first step towards healing & over-coming anything in one's life, is to admit one has a problem. 

I have not been shy about sharing that I battle with depression, along with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, & previously an eating disorder (which I still, on the occasion, fight with).

This year has been really rough. 

And yet there have been some pretty awesome things too. 

It's been a non-stop roller coaster of ups & downs, and I alternate between feeling like a warrior & then feeling like a coward. 

I share this not looking for sympathy, but rather with the hopes that it will help me continue to move forward & perhaps let others know they are not alone & to keep going. ♥

Today, I am going to be brutally honest. 

Let the chips fall where they may.

Judge me however you will. 

In the end, it's only the Creator's opinion I care about. 

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There are some weeks where I feel in complete control of my emotions, my soul & the spiritual world around me. 

I can remain calm.

I can stay content.

I can be happy.

I can observe nature.

I can focus on the job ahead.

I can tell the darkness to leave.

I can spread love, kindness & Light.

Life is good.

I know who I am.

And most importantly, I am proud of who I am & content with how I was made.

{Image Found Via We Heart It~Original Photographer or Model Unknown}

Then there are weeks where reality gets to me & the soul within me goes to a place that is hard to come back from.

I feel like a failure.

I am scared I'll be alone all my life.

The loneliness is crushing, making it hard to breathe.

The sadness is overwhelming.

I stop being able to see beauty & instead only see the bars that entrap me.

All I see is darkness & people being cruel.

The last few days have been dark.

Terrifying.

Hard to breathe...sleep...eat...

But I am learning.

Wisdom is often born in the darkest of circumstances.

And I know it is crucial to talk about the bad times, not just the good moments.

Because through talking & sharing, you can move on & often help others too.

I was raised to think it is not acceptable to talk about depression & demons.

That to acknowledge you battle with darkness is to show weakness.

You can't be seen as weak.

You have to have it all together.

Well, I don't.

I am full of flaws & mistakes.

Any strength or courage I show is purely Grace & the determination to inspire others.

And that is entirely, completely, absolutely, 100% OKAY!!!

{Image Found Via We Heart It~ Original Photographer Unknown}

I feel everything.

I feel it deeply.

Then, I let it go.

So I can feel new emotions.

Today I will feel sad...lost...scared...alone...hopeless...

Maybe tomorrow I will feel the opposite emotions!

I will remind myself that God is still there.

That He hasn't forgotten I exist, even though it feels that way.

I will remind myself that faith was "created" for these valleys.

I will become stronger...wiser...

I will control the darkness; the demons will bow down to the Creator who lives inside me.

And one day I will understand it better...by & by.

♥

{Image Found Via We Heart It~ Original Photographer Or Designer Unknown}